The Gift of Grace Amid the Trauma

As I finalized the paperback proof for my debut book, Letters from Love’s Battlefield, I concluded my second journey through the addiction trauma that destroyed my marriage so many years ago. With pangs of regret, I returned to the destruction that stole our family’s future as I prepared to share my story, including my deepest intimacies, through the resurrection of old forgotten letters tucked away for decades in my safe. Like many women ostracized by their spouse’s sexual addiction illness, I carried my partner’s shame as an indelible scarlet letter for many years. In blissful ignorance of his addiction, our once picture-perfect lives and visions for the future were suddenly erased as his sexual betrayals unfolded and escalated to felony offenses. I vividly recalled the long journey through scandal’s embarrassment and the layers of a wife’s victimization. Continually, I conquered defeat as a survivor, single parent, and our family’s sole provider.

In 2023 sixteen years later following my ex-husband’s sudden death as I prepared to publish my story, friends and family tried to comprehend my book’s purpose as I regurgitated those past painful memories. While their judgments rationalized that his death from addiction should have released me at last to find healing, it instead gave further strength to our family’s calamity and the opportunity to share hope through the heartache of our lost vision. Ultimately, this became my new vision as God showed me His timing to reveal good from something so bad. But first, I had to be willing to revisit this painful past and uproot those deep feelings of trauma alongside the steps that brought me His healing and steady ground. And it all began with His Grace amid the trauma.

The expanding infiltration of sexual temptations and online viewing opportunities in our culture compound the devastation of its negative consequences on today’s marriages and families. Addiction funnels storms of destruction for those related to the addict, and survival instinctively takes control. Families are left shattered, and spouses are left behind bewildered, fearful, and stripped of their self-esteem. Entering a new reality broken and afraid, isolation takes hold to avoid shame and the judgments of others. Sound decisions are fragmented, and energy declines disrupt daily routines while disabling visions for a new future.

In these initial stages of trauma, accepting Grace allows time for God to heal deep wounds as the grief process runs its full course. Much like a train that has derailed and capsized, trauma is debilitating both physically and emotionally due to the resulting wounds left open and bleeding. The body requires time to heal from the inside out, and effective coping mechanisms rebuild emotional and physical strengths to process the puzzle pieces of addiction that now force the creation of a new vision. But first, one must become stable in the present.

Journal the journey

Spend time each day with your thoughts in prayer or meditation versus isolation. Allow moments to feel the hurt versus strategizing immediate solutions. Scribble your feelings, both positive and negative, in a journal that validates and records your journey. Later as you heal, you unveil your effective travels on your road to processing your pain and moving forward with your future.

Input self-care in each day

Self-care is always important, but especially paramount during loss and trauma. Chose healthy coping mechanisms for energy and incorporate them into daily routines. This can include exercise time, healthy eating, additional rest, and time with supportive friends and family. And remember, it is unhealthy to isolate. Lean into the loving support of others.

Manage Organization

Stress can dismantle schedules and goals in a short time and threaten attempts to gain stability though jobs and family routines. Set aside time each weekend to plot your game plan for the month and week with a hard surface schedule planner. First, make a list of all required communications and meetings in one column, appointments in another, then tasks such as weekly meal prep in another. In the last column, list self-care such as exercise, devotion time, and family time. Defining self-care as most immediate, prioritize all the to-do's by importance, then map in your scheduler and on your Google calendar. Low priorities can be sacrificed or delayed. Allow time in the morning to visit this list at the onset of your day. This habit erases reinventing the wheel regularly and draining energy from your low reserves.

Avoid major decisions

Important decisions require focus which is often compromised as we go through trauma. Trauma augments emotional fragmentation leaving one scattered and fogged, unable to process details of importance. Therefore, it is best to refrain from major decisions until further healing has occurred and seek guidance as strength is gained toward decisiveness.

Ask for help

Shame often hides our innermost needs. Share and surface those needs with others to instill continued progress toward healing. Reach out to supportive individuals, recovery groups, and/or professionals to resolve emotional or physical burdens that fuel overwhelm and halt healing.

Verse of Reflection

"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my ways secure."

Psalm 18:32